A Prediction Fulfilled

In October I predicted an "I fucked Larry Craig" Christmas, and today I'm proud to report that Christmas, like Craig (a notorious premature ejaculator), is coming early.

When the story of his arrest on charges of soliciting sex in a men's room in a Milwaukee airport came to light, Senator Craig's denials of being gay were so loud and vociferous that they pushed aside the fact that his alleged crime was not being gay, but soliciting sex in a public place.

Being gay in Milwaukee is not illegal. Being gay in America is not illegal. The tragedy here lies in the fact that Senator Craig and his sad cohort of closeted gay Republicans would probably make it so if they could, even now. All the better to punish themselves for their sin.

Here at GTL Central we understand this man's motivations for his denials, and we forgive him and extend a gun-toting hand in friendship.

This poor man has backed himself into a corner. Driven by deep, pathological, religiously-fueled shame, he has spent his career hating himself in public and using his constituents as proxies for the punishment he wants society to heap upon him.

We forgive you, Senator, for making the American people eat this excrement. You couldn't help it. Your shame was so powerful, so pathological, that you couldn't help yourself. Your soul is a black hole of guilt and fear and you did what you thought you had to do to keep from falling in.

But it's got to stop. You've got to make this situation right. We can't be your alternative to seeking help anymore.

It's time to recognize that these stories will only multiply from here. If you thought Jay Leno was insensitive before, just wait. When I try to come up with a phrase for the havoc you've created for yourself, the only one that comes to mind is "reaping the whirlwind."

It's okay to be who you are, Larry. If you're ever going to love yourself on this side of the grave, the time is now.

Next: New Friends For Larry in '08